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EMDR for Perfectionism
Short Answer: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be used to work with past experiences and negative beliefs that contribute to perfectionistic patterns.
For some people, experiences such as criticism, embarrassment, failure, comparison with others, or feeling that approval depended on doing things well can become connected to beliefs like “I can't make mistakes,” “I'm not good enough,” or “I have to be perfect to be accepted.”
EMDR can focus on these specific experiences and beliefs, with the goal of helping the past have less influence over how you respond to mistakes, expectations, and performance today.
Key Takeaways
- Perfectionism generally involves setting very high standards and placing significant importance on meeting them.
- Wanting to do something well does not automatically mean you have a problem with perfectionism.
- Perfectionistic patterns can sometimes be connected to earlier experiences involving criticism, failure, embarrassment, comparison, or pressure to perform.
- EMDR can focus on specific memories and beliefs connected to these patterns.
- The goal is not to stop caring about doing things well or having high standards.
- EMDR can be therapist-guided, online, or self-guided.
What Is Perfectionism?
“Perfectionism” can describe a pattern of holding yourself to very high standards and finding mistakes or imperfections particularly difficult to accept.
Someone might spend a long time trying to get something exactly right.
They may repeatedly check or revise their work.
They might avoid trying something because they worry they will not do it well enough.
A small mistake may feel much more important than it appears to someone else.
Having high standards is not automatically a problem.
Wanting to produce good work, improve a skill, or achieve something difficult can be positive.
Perfectionism becomes more relevant when the possibility of making a mistake or falling short repeatedly creates distress or makes it difficult to move forward.
How Can Past Experiences Contribute to Perfectionism?
Perfectionistic patterns can develop for many reasons.
Sometimes earlier experiences make mistakes feel particularly important.
For example, a child who was frequently criticized for getting things wrong may begin trying very hard to avoid mistakes.
Someone who was embarrassed after making an error in front of other people may become especially concerned about getting things right.
A person who received attention mainly when they performed well may begin connecting achievement with approval.
Over time, experiences like these can become connected to beliefs such as:
“I can't make mistakes.”
“I have to get everything right.”
“If I fail, people will think less of me.”
“I'm only good enough when I succeed.”
“If it's not perfect, it's not good enough.”
EMDR can focus on the memories that helped these beliefs develop.
How Can EMDR Help With Perfectionism?
EMDR does not simply teach you to lower your standards.
Instead, it can work with past experiences that make mistakes, criticism, or falling short feel especially significant.
For example, you may understand that making one mistake at work is normal.
But the mistake may remind you of being harshly criticized for errors when you were younger.
Or you may know that one disappointing grade does not determine your ability, while still remembering an earlier experience when poor performance made you feel inadequate.
EMDR can focus on the earlier memory and the belief connected to it.
The goal is to help the past experience carry less emotional weight so it has less influence over how you respond to similar situations now.
What Experiences Can Become Connected to Perfectionism?
Many different experiences can contribute to perfectionistic patterns.
Possible EMDR focus areas might include:
- Being strongly criticized for mistakes
- Feeling embarrassed after getting something wrong
- Being repeatedly compared with other people
- Feeling that approval depended on achievement
- Academic pressure
- Workplace criticism
- Being praised mainly for accomplishments
- A failure that changed how you saw yourself
- Being teased or humiliated after making a mistake
- Feeling pressure to meet someone else's expectations
- A disappointing performance
- Rejection after falling short of an expectation
- Experiences where mistakes seemed unusually important
Not everyone who has these experiences develops perfectionistic patterns.
What matters for EMDR is whether particular experiences continue to influence how you respond to mistakes, expectations, or performance today.
EMDR Can Focus on One Memory at a Time
Perfectionism may be connected to many experiences.
You do not need to work on all of them at once.
Perhaps you remember being criticized after bringing home a disappointing grade.
Maybe you remember making a mistake in front of other people and feeling embarrassed.
You might remember failing at something that had been very important to you.
That individual memory can become an EMDR focus.
Other experiences can be addressed separately if you choose.
EMDR for Perfectionism Learned in Childhood
Some perfectionistic patterns can be connected to childhood experiences.
A child who is repeatedly criticized for mistakes may begin believing that mistakes are unacceptable.
Another child may feel that being successful is the best way to receive approval.
Someone who is constantly compared with siblings, classmates, or other children may begin feeling that being average is not enough.
A child might begin thinking:
“I have to get everything right.”
“I can't disappoint anyone.”
“I have to be the best.”
“Mistakes mean I've failed.”
Years later, the person may intellectually understand that perfection is impossible while still feeling uncomfortable whenever they fall short of their own expectations.
EMDR can focus on the childhood memories and beliefs connected to those reactions.
The goal is to help those experiences feel more firmly in the past rather than allowing old expectations to automatically determine how you judge yourself today.
What If You Were Frequently Criticized?
Repeated criticism can sometimes make mistakes feel especially important.
Someone who was regularly corrected harshly may begin anticipating criticism even when no one is criticizing them now.
They may check their work repeatedly.
They might worry about how others will judge what they have done.
A small mistake may immediately bring up the feeling that they have failed.
EMDR can focus on particular criticism memories and the beliefs attached to them.
The aim is not to make feedback unimportant.
It is to reduce the influence of earlier experiences that made criticism or mistakes carry extra emotional weight.
What If You Were Compared With Other People?
Being repeatedly compared with siblings, classmates, coworkers, or other people can sometimes affect how you judge your own performance.
You may begin measuring whether you are doing well by whether you are doing better than someone else.
A good result may still feel disappointing if another person performed better.
You might think:
“I have to be the best.”
“Being second isn't good enough.”
“If someone does better than me, I've failed.”
EMDR can focus on memories where comparison became connected to beliefs about your worth or ability.
The goal is not to stop noticing how other people perform.
It is to reduce the influence that earlier comparisons continue to have over how you judge yourself.
Can Fear of Failure Contribute to Perfectionism?
Yes.
If a previous failure was especially painful or embarrassing, avoiding another failure may become very important.
Someone may spend excessive time preparing because they are afraid of getting something wrong.
Another person may avoid starting altogether because they worry they will not do it perfectly.
A person may even abandon something they enjoy because they do not feel good enough at it.
If these reactions are connected to particular experiences of failure, EMDR can focus on those memories.
The goal is not to make failure enjoyable.
It is to help earlier failures have less influence over how you approach new challenges.
Can Fear of Rejection Contribute to Perfectionism?
Sometimes.
A person may believe that being accepted depends on performing well or avoiding mistakes.
They might think:
“If I get this wrong, people won't respect me.”
“If I'm not successful, people won't want me.”
“If I disappoint someone, they'll reject me.”
These beliefs may be connected to earlier experiences where criticism, failure, or mistakes seemed to affect an important relationship.
EMDR can focus on those experiences and the beliefs associated with them.
The aim is not to guarantee that everyone will approve of you.
It is to help past rejection experiences have less influence over how strongly you connect performance with acceptance.
Can Perfectionism Affect Self-Esteem?
Sometimes.
A person's self-esteem may become closely connected to achievement.
When things go well, they may feel good about themselves.
When something goes wrong, their view of themselves may change quickly.
A mistake can become:
“I'm a failure.”
A disappointing result can become:
“I'm not good enough.”
Someone else's success can become:
“I'm falling behind.”
EMDR can focus on the experiences that helped connect performance with personal worth.
The goal is to separate what happened in a particular situation from broader conclusions about who you are.
What Is the Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame?
Perfectionism and shame can sometimes overlap.
A person may not simply think:
“I made a mistake.”
They may think:
“I'm embarrassing.”
“I'm incompetent.”
“There's something wrong with me.”
“I should have done better.”
The mistake becomes a judgment about the person rather than something that happened.
If these reactions are connected to particular past experiences, EMDR can work with the memories that helped those beliefs develop.
What Is the Connection Between Perfectionism and People Pleasing?
Perfectionism and people pleasing can sometimes overlap when someone feels that meeting other people's expectations is especially important.
A person may work very hard to avoid disappointing others.
They might spend excessive time trying to make sure their work, appearance, home, or behavior meets what they believe other people expect.
The underlying belief might be:
“I have to get this right so they won't be disappointed.”
“I have to be perfect so they'll approve of me.”
“If I make a mistake, they'll think less of me.”
If these beliefs are connected to past experiences, EMDR can focus on those memories.
Can Perfectionism Lead to Procrastination?
Sometimes perfectionism can make it harder to begin or finish something.
A person may keep waiting until they feel completely prepared.
They may repeatedly revise something because it never feels good enough.
Another person may delay starting because they worry that the result will not meet their standards.
Not all procrastination is caused by perfectionism.
But when delaying something is closely connected to fear of making a mistake or producing imperfect work, earlier experiences around failure or criticism may be relevant.
Those experiences can become EMDR focus areas.
What If You Know Perfection Is Impossible but Still Feel You Have to Be Perfect?
Knowing something logically does not always change how it feels.
You may understand that everyone makes mistakes.
You may know that nobody performs perfectly all the time.
You may even tell other people that mistakes are normal.
Yet your own mistakes may still feel different.
If that reaction is connected to earlier experiences of criticism, embarrassment, failure, or rejection, EMDR can focus on those memories.
The goal is not simply to convince yourself that perfection is impossible.
It is to work with the experiences that made imperfection feel so important in the first place.
Does EMDR Lower Your Standards?
Not necessarily.
The goal of EMDR is not to make you careless or less ambitious.
You can still want to do excellent work.
You can still prepare carefully, pursue difficult goals, and improve your skills.
The difference is that mistakes or imperfect results do not necessarily have to carry the same meaning about your worth or ability.
EMDR can work with experiences that made performance feel connected to beliefs such as “I have to be perfect to be good enough.”
Will EMDR Make You Stop Caring About Success?
No.
Success can still matter to you.
You can continue setting goals and caring about your performance.
EMDR does not require giving up ambition.
Instead, it can focus on past experiences that make mistakes, criticism, or falling short carry more emotional weight than you want them to.
Can EMDR Help With Fear of Making Mistakes?
When fear of mistakes is connected to particular past experiences, those memories can become EMDR focuses.
For example, someone may remember being publicly embarrassed after answering a question incorrectly.
Another person may remember being harshly criticized after making a small mistake.
Years later, similar situations may still bring up the same fear of getting something wrong.
EMDR can focus on the earlier experience and the beliefs connected to it.
What If You Replay Mistakes Over and Over?
Sometimes a mistake continues to occupy your attention long after the situation has ended.
You may repeatedly think about what you should have done differently.
You might imagine how other people judged you.
You may continue feeling embarrassed about something that happened years ago.
If a particular mistake or embarrassing experience remains emotionally charged, that memory can become an EMDR focus.
The goal is not to erase the lesson you learned.
It is to help the memory feel more like something that happened in the past rather than something you need to keep mentally revisiting.
Does EMDR Make You Forget Your Mistakes?
No.
EMDR does not erase memories.
You can still remember the mistake, criticism, failure, or embarrassing experience.
What may change is how strongly the memory affects you and what you automatically conclude about yourself when you remember it.
A memory that once immediately brought up “I'm a failure” may begin to feel more like one imperfect moment rather than evidence about who you are.
Do You Have to Talk About Perfectionism in Detail?
No.
EMDR does not necessarily require a detailed verbal account of every experience connected to perfectionism.
You identify the memory, thought, feeling, or belief you want to focus on and use bilateral stimulation as part of the EMDR process.
With therapist-guided EMDR, there may be brief conversation and check-ins, but you do not necessarily need to describe every detail.
With self-guided EMDR, you can work with a memory privately without explaining the entire experience to another person.
You also do not need to address every mistake or criticism you have ever experienced.
Self-Guided EMDR for Perfectionism-Related Memories
EMDR can be therapist-guided, including remotely, or used in a self-guided online format.
With Virtual EMDR, the self-guided online program, you choose the memory, thought, feeling, or belief you want to work on and move through a structured EMDR process independently.
For example, you might focus on being criticized for a mistake, an embarrassing failure, being compared with someone else, or another experience that became connected to the belief that you have to be perfect.
Because the program is self-guided, you manage the pacing and can pause when you choose.
You do not need to address every experience connected to perfectionism at once.
You can focus on one specific memory and decide later whether there are others you want to work on.
How Do You Choose a Perfectionism-Related Memory to Work On?
If perfectionism feels like a long-standing pattern, you may not immediately know where to begin.
It can help to think about the experiences connected to the situations that are difficult for you today.
You might ask:
- Is there a mistake I still remember clearly?
- Is there a time I was strongly criticized for getting something wrong?
- Is there a failure that changed how I saw myself?
- Is there an embarrassing performance I still replay?
- Is there a memory connected to the belief “I have to be perfect”?
- When I think “I'm not good enough,” what experience comes to mind?
- Is there a time when someone else's approval seemed to depend on how well I performed?
- Is there an earlier experience that feels similar to situations where I put pressure on myself now?
You do not need to identify the earliest or worst experience.
A specific memory that feels connected to your current perfectionistic pattern can be a reasonable place to begin.
Conclusion
Perfectionism can sometimes be connected to experiences involving criticism, failure, embarrassment, comparison, rejection, or pressure to perform.
Those experiences may become connected to beliefs such as “I can't make mistakes,” “I'm not good enough,” or “I have to be perfect to be accepted.”
EMDR can work with the specific memories and beliefs that continue to influence these patterns.
The goal is not to lower your standards, make you careless, or stop you from caring about success.
It is to help past experiences carry less emotional weight so they do not have to keep determining how you respond to mistakes, expectations, and performance today.
Whether EMDR is therapist-guided, online, or self-guided, you can begin with one perfectionism-related memory that feels relevant to you.
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