What If You Pick the Wrong Memory for EMDR?

What If You Pick the Wrong Memory for EMDR?

Short Answer: Choosing a memory that later seems less relevant does not mean you chose incorrectly or that the session was wasted. A target is a starting point, not a final judgment about which experience caused your concern. If another memory seems like a better fit, you can review the connection to your goal and choose a different target during preparation for a future session. A memory that is relevant but not your preferred starting point is different from one that addresses another concern altogether.

Key Takeaways

• There is not always one correct memory to choose for EMDR.
• A memory can be relevant even if another one later seems more useful.
• If you are still preparing, you can change your target before starting.
• Reviewing a target between sessions is different from repeatedly switching during processing.

What Does Picking the Wrong Memory Mean?

People often use the phrase “wrong memory” when they are unsure whether they selected the best event to work on. Perhaps another memory seems older, more upsetting, or more closely connected to the problem. Those differences do not automatically make the first choice incorrect. Several experiences can contribute to how you feel about the same issue.

A target is the particular experience you identify as the focus of EMDR. For example, if criticism at work bothers you, you might choose a meeting in which your suggestion was dismissed. Later, you may remember a similar interaction at school. Both memories could relate to your concern, even if you eventually decide to address them separately.

Instead of searching for the single perfect choice, consider whether the memory connects to the concern you wanted to address. This gives you a practical way to review your selection and decide whether another target would be more useful next time.

Why a Memory May Seem Wrong Later

Your view of a memory can change after you spend time thinking about it. You may realize that a different part of the event stands out, or that another experience illustrates the same concern more clearly. You may also notice that the memory you chose matters to you, but for a different reason than you first expected.

Suppose you chose an argument with a friend because you thought the main issue was anger. On reflection, the part that stays with you might be feeling ignored. That does not make the argument irrelevant. It may simply help you describe the concern more accurately and recognize other memories that connect to it.

Sometimes the concern itself changes. You might begin by wanting to address a particular disagreement and later decide that a recurring feeling of being excluded is more important to you. Changing priorities is not the same as making a mistake. It means your next target may need to reflect your updated goal.

How to Check Whether a Target Is Relevant

Start with the reason you wanted to use EMDR. What situation, memory, or recurring reaction were you hoping to address? Then consider whether the memory you selected provides a recognizable example of that concern. The connection does not need to be complicated or historically exact.

For instance, if you want to address embarrassment about speaking in groups, a memory of forgetting your words during a presentation has an understandable connection. A memory of a disagreement about money may matter in its own right, but it might not be the clearest example of that particular concern.

You can also check whether the memory identifies one recognizable event. A target such as “the moment I was interrupted in the meeting” is clearer than “all the times people did not listen to me.” If your description is broad, you may need to narrow it rather than choose a completely different memory.

Do You Need to Find the Earliest or Most Upsetting Memory?

No. The oldest memory and the most upsetting memory are not automatically the only suitable targets. Some structured EMDR treatment plans explore earlier experiences connected to a present concern. That does not mean everyone must begin by identifying the first event that ever produced a similar feeling.

A recent memory can provide a clear starting point because the details are easier to recognize. An older memory may also be relevant. What matters for target selection is how the experience fits the concern and the approach you are following, rather than its position in a timeline.

You do not need to rank every memory by how upsetting it was. If several experiences connect to the same concern, choosing one does not make the others less significant. They may remain possible targets for later sessions.

What If You Notice a Different Memory During Preparation?

If another memory comes to mind while you are preparing, compare how each one relates to your current goal. Perhaps the new memory is a more direct example of the concern, or perhaps it simply reminds you of a similar experience. Both possibilities are worth noticing before you choose.

You can keep the original target if it still fits, or choose the new memory if the connection is clearer. You are deciding which experience to focus on now, not proving which one matters most.

If you decide to change your target before beginning, write down a short description of the new memory and keep the original one in your notes if it still matters. There is no need to combine the two events into a single target.

What If Another Memory Appears During Processing?

During EMDR, thoughts, feelings, and memories may shift. A related memory appearing does not automatically mean the original target was wrong. The new experience may be an association that arises while you are focusing on the memory you selected.

A related memory appearing during processing is not the same as deliberately changing targets. If you are following a structured EMDR session, use its guidance for noticing associations rather than repeatedly restarting whenever another memory comes to mind. You can decide later whether the new event deserves separate attention.

If you want to work on a newly remembered event as its own target, you can record a short description and consider it during later preparation. You do not have to decide immediately that it should replace the original memory.

What If the Memory Does Not Seem Connected to Your Concern?

Occasionally, you may select a memory and then realize that it does not relate closely to the issue you intended to address. For example, you may want to work on anxiety about giving presentations but choose a family disagreement that brings up a different concern. Both experiences can matter, yet they may belong to different areas of work.

If you notice this before starting, you can simply choose a more relevant example. If you notice it after a session, you can use that observation to guide the next target choice. You do not need to treat the earlier session as a failure or invent a connection that does not seem meaningful.

A memory can also have more than one meaning. Rather than forcing it into the original category, describe what actually stands out about it. That may clarify whether to return to it later or select another event for the concern you have in mind.

How to Review Your Choice After a Session

After a session, review the memory you selected and the concern you hoped to address. If you keep session notes, whether for therapist-guided EMDR or a self-guided program such as Virtual EMDR, they can help you see whether another memory now seems more closely connected to that concern. A few ordinary sentences are enough.

For example, you might write that you began with the meeting where you were criticized, but a conversation with a relative also came to mind. This preserves the distinction between the original target and another possible target. You do not need to explain why the two events are connected before deciding what to do next.

Do not judge the choice only by whether you noticed an immediate change. Responses to EMDR vary, and a session without an obvious shift does not prove the target was wrong. Look instead at how the memory relates to your goal and what you want to focus on next.

How to Choose a Different Target Next Time

If you decide to choose another target for a later session, begin with the concern you want to address. Then identify one event that illustrates it. For example, “the conversation when I learned I was excluded” gives you a more definite starting point than “all my experiences of rejection.”

Keep the earlier memory in your notes if it remains meaningful. You may decide to return to it for a different concern, or you may decide that another event is a better match for the work you want to do next. Neither choice requires you to dismiss the earlier experience.

Before the next session, check that the new target is recognizable and connected to your current goal. Once you have made that choice, you do not need to keep comparing every possible memory. If your priorities change later, you can review the choice again.

Conclusion

Choosing a memory that later seems less relevant does not mean you have done EMDR incorrectly. Review how the memory connects to your concern, allow related memories to arise without automatically changing targets, and reconsider your choice when preparing for another session. You can select a different focus without dismissing the experience you began with.